It's a Hard Love

How God invites us to change

The origin of the term "pain cave" is debated, but what is known is that it gained popularity in endurance sports like ultra running and triathlons.

Or, as in my case, life.

We would all love to believe that pain and blessing are mutually exclusive. In fact, my generation has built non-denominational denominations on this very foundation. However, when held up against the long written pages of Christian history, this attractional effort has been a big, big lie. Since 19 AUG, I've had plenty of time to suffer and think, plenty of time to plumb the depths of what I believe about myself and what I believe about God. As is my habit, I'd like to confess a few of these realizations here publicly in an effort to hold myself accountable in the future, in healthy days, and to, perhaps, encourage those among us who know the harsh realities of life for which much of our modern Christian institutions have no workable solution.

Pain is a cave.

It's dark.

It's damp.

There's no way to become actually comfortable.

As an aside, there are traditionally two ways to get to this cave: divine design and our own choosing. Each path getting there changes the experience once we arrive; it flavors the reflection and our willingness to make our way back out to the opening. For instance, when we find ourselves there as a result of our own choices, shame is a monster that twists the tunnels and strips our desire for freedom and light. I've stopped counting the number of people I've known who have committed to their own demise due to shame. The darkness dilates our spiritual vision and keeps us from seeing the signs of grace that mark the way out. By contrast, when God loves us enough to take us there, shame is not needed. It's resentment we use as fuel, fixing us in place with only the energy to sling accusations towards God. Can you imagine how perfect His love for us must be to endure accusations from the very people He's helping? Read the Book. He's no stranger to this response. Resentment. Shame. These are two key indicators that God is extremely active in your story. Don't fall for the false finish line when these happen. Engage them, push past them, and find God on the other side. Just trust me.

But for the presence of Christian brothers and sisters who have been there themselves, the pain cave is often very lonely, too. To date, I have been literally overwhelmed by the activity of God through community. There are people in my Venmo and my texts who have given my family significant resources to keep us afloat during this crisis. If you are reading this and one of them, know that you have changed my life. I have a brand new understanding of the concept of generosity, and I am now more committed than ever to being that for as many as possible as long as I am alive, especially the Green Berets who deserve everything we can throw at them. They have been on my mind nearly constantly, as living with them has been some of the greatest preparation I could have received for this experience. They are a community that knows how to suffer well for a larger cause. And, they do it all in the shadows. Man, I love those guys for who they have helped me to become. Which brings me to my list:

God will take you backwards to move you forwards.

This simple, counterintuitive move of His has changed millions of lives. It's so effective, but we fight it. Perhaps this is why it's so effective. An object in motion, as they say, wants to stay in motion. This includes our sinful and negligent momentum. We have a phrase for this: "a thousand miles an hour in the wrong direction." I've written before about circling back to previous things, but by this principle, I mean something a little more violent. Do you have trouble seeing God's methods as violent? Yeah, me too sometimes. But, if I were headed for danger, eternal danger at that, I wouldn't so much mind a violent intervention, would you? The trouble is, when we are taken by surprise. This surgery and subsequent recovery have taken me by surprise. God has taken me back to my younger years with physical struggle because, quite honestly, I had forgotten them, even minimized them.

He is in charge.

I should have started with his one. I used to preach, "God is God, and He does what He wants." This is a truth easier spoken than lived. Most times, it's comforting to think that the God of all things is in charge, that He has a plan. But when that plan has landed on you, it's a bit harder to trust. Once we shed the opioid of spiritual bypassing, the reality that our lives are to be sacrificed truly is daunting and scary.

It isn't about us, even though it includes us. Something about these two surgeries has been vital to the overall effort. Thank God, I don't have to know exactly how. He's in charge, remember? I don't have to spend the next six months journaling this out, attempting to lock all the pieces together. See, He's even in charge of the lessons and when they are revealed. This experience has taught me, so far, to place more value on walking with God than I do on wrestling with God. If He is who He says He is, then going where He says to go must lead to good things.

No matter how it makes you feel, He values maturity over relief.

Have you ever held a hand that could fix it all with a wave, but refused? It's crushing to the human heart that values comfort over almost everything. Who among us has understood their purpose, lived out their best days along comfort's path? No one. God knows this. Mountains of evidence in human history tell us that comfort is the largest enemy to spiritual maturity, especially. Comfort will never build character. You can spot a man who's never fought a true battle from a mile away. They are soft men, obsessed with accumulating more and more things and living among others who do the same. I have experienced a great deal of jealousy over how easy these kinds of men live day to day, but as of today, I wouldn't trade the lion's heart He's been forging in me for the path of least resistance. Eventually, we fall in love with the maturity hardship produces. And, although we don't seek out hard times, we smile when we see them coming because they also bring a blessing delivered no other way.

Consumerism has negatively reinforced my false sense of control.

We live in a world surrounded by infinite choices. On Amazon or at Kroger, I feel god-like. I am the one making the choices and controlling my own destiny. Depending on how much money I have at the time, the stakes aren't even really that high. It all feels like a game. That's the way they have designed it. Flashy carts and points accumulated, it all subtly sends a message: you're in control, and this is all a kind of game you get to play because you are powerful. Perhaps this seems a little nuanced to you, but it is so very real. When it's all taken away, and you realize just how silly it's all become, you can't unsee it. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for Amazon and Kroger, but with them comes a very dangerous message that we are full of power to bend the future whichever way we like. That just doesn't pass the sniff test when they are cramming a tube up your nose to send it down into your stomach. We, friends, are not in control.

Nothing expands me spiritually like physical limitation.

It's embarrassing to write here, but I have thought about slipping on my Costco socks, stepping into my Chelsea boots, and heading out to work hundreds of times. I've always preferred working over waiting. I'll even create a puzzle to solve, a theological conundrum to journal about, just to keep the busy mind busy. Waiting forces us to see things, to learn things about ourselves that activity would otherwise block. When I can trust in my body to do what it's told, I have a nearly unlimited distraction resource. The inward journey to God can be sabotaged quickly and efficiently with one hour later at the office, a late workout, and a little doom scroll. Wake up. Rinse. Repeat. I have realized, with all this sitting and thinking, that I don't sit and think enough these days. My spiritual life is dependent upon mining the depths. I would say gently here, so is yours. If it's been a while since you were more than arm's length from your phone and more than two hours from your next obligation, make that happen today.

Yesterday, while following the algorithmic trail on YouTube, I landed on an old NEEDTOBREATHE song. People throw shade at the guys for whatever reason, but without a doubt, their lyrics reveal a pain cave topography. Someone in this band has been there before and often. Their song, It's a Hard Love, has been a comfort to me since rediscovering it. I'll wrap this post with the lyrics in full. They have a way of condensing the above honesty into a quick hit.

Trading punches with the heart of darkness

Going to blows with your fear incarnate

Never gone until it's stripped away

A part of you has gotta die to change

In the morning you gon' need an answer

Ain't nobody gonna change the standard

It's not enough to just feel the flame

You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

I know the situation can't be right

And all you ever do is fight

But there's a reason that the road is long

It take some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down

I will face them off and stand my ground

Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me

They will see my strength in this love I found

Oh

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

It's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

(Cuz it's a hard love)